The nurse called and confirmed the bad news. It was indeed a chemical pregnancy. My beta-hcg has dropped off from 28 to 9 today.
They wanted me in for another blood test on 4th Feb just to confirm my hcg has drop to below 0.x level so that no extra steps are necessary.
As I'm typing this, I can feel the familiar feeling between my legs.
Call it whatever they want, it's miscarriage and that's my potential baby gone today, literally down the sewage pipe as I flushed.
I didnt think I had much maternal instincts but I guess you dont know what you have till something is gone. So when you lose something, it feels like completely something else. A tiny void.
I console myself that it's prob better this way, at this earlier stages, than to wait till its bigger with a sac, only for it to be unsustainable later. I think that will even be more heart breaking.... perhaps I should kick my own arse for testing so early. Otherwise, I would just assume my period is late.
However, instead, I wont be able to live with complete oblivion now.
Today the last day of the month, 31st Jan marked the end of my first pregnancy.
God I feel like crying...
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
The inevitable bad "news"
It's past noon and the doctor didnt call. I suppose since its bad news there isnt any hurry...
My period has come on full force now but its thinner than usual. The mild cramps have also started to hit. I guess that's it. I am assuming that I can file it under Chemical Pregnancy now...
Lying here in bed wondering how to take the "news". Disappointed I guess...I was really hoping but what can I say. Did I cause it with my self medication over last weekend for my cold? Not that I think pap smear would have caused it but would I have been better off not to do it to narrow down the possibilities?
I know my husband will be nice and supportive tonight but he is leaving for long business trip in 2 days. That means I have plenty of time to brood over it which I rather not...maybe it's a good thing that its CNY and I get to go back, play with my dog and distract myself from reality...
My period has come on full force now but its thinner than usual. The mild cramps have also started to hit. I guess that's it. I am assuming that I can file it under Chemical Pregnancy now...
Lying here in bed wondering how to take the "news". Disappointed I guess...I was really hoping but what can I say. Did I cause it with my self medication over last weekend for my cold? Not that I think pap smear would have caused it but would I have been better off not to do it to narrow down the possibilities?
I know my husband will be nice and supportive tonight but he is leaving for long business trip in 2 days. That means I have plenty of time to brood over it which I rather not...maybe it's a good thing that its CNY and I get to go back, play with my dog and distract myself from reality...
Depressed
I did a home test on Sunday afternoon. I got a shock when it read 1-2 weeks pregnant. However I was very cautious and googled.
You would think that false positive is impossible but apparently for Clearblue Digital pregnancy kit, there were alot of complaints about false positive for the early months.
I bought another home kit to test on Monday and it was negative. Not a surprise.
On Tuesday 29 Jan, I went for my pap smear. It didnt occur to me to inform my doc about the home test since the nurse sat me on the reclining chair in the next room first before even meeting the doctor. I was prep for the Pap smear even before I said hello.
After the Pap Smear, i told the doctor about it and reckon its a false positive but we went for a blood test anyway to test my beta hcg level.
That eve, the nurse called and told me the doctor requested for me to go for 2nd blood test on thurs morn at 8am so that she can get the report by 1pm before her op.
I didnt understand and so I asked the nurse why. I dont know if its a chinese thing, myth or what but the nurse wasnt very forthcoming except that the doc wanted to see my 2nd hcg reading. She proceeded to say mine was very low at 28.
28 what? what does 28 mean?
anycase, I asked if I could do the test on friday. Initially i didnt want my husband to know about the blood test incase a negative will upset him. Getting up at 7am which is abnormal will be hard to explain. The nurse however insisted that the its better. Why better i asked. She said in case the doc need to give me supplements.
So I spent the next day going through the internet to know what she was not telling me.
The doc need anoher blood work to see if my beta hcg was rising or dropping. Dropping means it was a failed pregnancy.
On Wed afternoon, I was devasted and horrified when I saw my pantiliner soaked with brown blood. I had a sinking feeling. That eve i googled what that meant. I was hoping it was because of the pap smear and not the other bad news.
Howeve wed nite, more fresh blood in my discharge. That cannot be due to the pap smear I am certain now. I had pap smear before and it doesnt carry over to the 2nd day. As I googled, I was more horrified to read how alot of people complained of failed pregnancy due to pap smear. I felt so depressed.
On thurs morning 31 Jan, just before I went for my blood test. I saw fresh blood stains on my pantyliner. Not spotting. It looks like bleeding.
After my blood test and I got home 1 hour later, I was seeing bright dark red discharge exactly like my period hanging off down to the water in the toilet bowl. If this isnt indicator of a failure...I dont know what is. I think it's pretty obvious that my body is delivering the bad news before the phone call I will receive, except that now I feel awlful to have presented a small window of hope to my partner last night, only to dash it now.
I googled and every article said it should be light spotting and brown blood. Not red like mine. U know how the feeling of your heart sinking to your tummy feels? That's how I feel now.
I had really hope it would be a good news but I know that everytime I wish hard for something, it almost never happens...it's almost like a taboo for me to want or wish for anything or get too excited.
I'm 38yr. My window is shrinking and makes me wonder if I have the heart to take this journey of potential hearbreaks.
You would think that false positive is impossible but apparently for Clearblue Digital pregnancy kit, there were alot of complaints about false positive for the early months.
I bought another home kit to test on Monday and it was negative. Not a surprise.
On Tuesday 29 Jan, I went for my pap smear. It didnt occur to me to inform my doc about the home test since the nurse sat me on the reclining chair in the next room first before even meeting the doctor. I was prep for the Pap smear even before I said hello.
After the Pap Smear, i told the doctor about it and reckon its a false positive but we went for a blood test anyway to test my beta hcg level.
That eve, the nurse called and told me the doctor requested for me to go for 2nd blood test on thurs morn at 8am so that she can get the report by 1pm before her op.
I didnt understand and so I asked the nurse why. I dont know if its a chinese thing, myth or what but the nurse wasnt very forthcoming except that the doc wanted to see my 2nd hcg reading. She proceeded to say mine was very low at 28.
28 what? what does 28 mean?
anycase, I asked if I could do the test on friday. Initially i didnt want my husband to know about the blood test incase a negative will upset him. Getting up at 7am which is abnormal will be hard to explain. The nurse however insisted that the its better. Why better i asked. She said in case the doc need to give me supplements.
So I spent the next day going through the internet to know what she was not telling me.
The doc need anoher blood work to see if my beta hcg was rising or dropping. Dropping means it was a failed pregnancy.
On Wed afternoon, I was devasted and horrified when I saw my pantiliner soaked with brown blood. I had a sinking feeling. That eve i googled what that meant. I was hoping it was because of the pap smear and not the other bad news.
Howeve wed nite, more fresh blood in my discharge. That cannot be due to the pap smear I am certain now. I had pap smear before and it doesnt carry over to the 2nd day. As I googled, I was more horrified to read how alot of people complained of failed pregnancy due to pap smear. I felt so depressed.
On thurs morning 31 Jan, just before I went for my blood test. I saw fresh blood stains on my pantyliner. Not spotting. It looks like bleeding.
After my blood test and I got home 1 hour later, I was seeing bright dark red discharge exactly like my period hanging off down to the water in the toilet bowl. If this isnt indicator of a failure...I dont know what is. I think it's pretty obvious that my body is delivering the bad news before the phone call I will receive, except that now I feel awlful to have presented a small window of hope to my partner last night, only to dash it now.
I googled and every article said it should be light spotting and brown blood. Not red like mine. U know how the feeling of your heart sinking to your tummy feels? That's how I feel now.
I had really hope it would be a good news but I know that everytime I wish hard for something, it almost never happens...it's almost like a taboo for me to want or wish for anything or get too excited.
I'm 38yr. My window is shrinking and makes me wonder if I have the heart to take this journey of potential hearbreaks.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
My First experience with HK TCM and acupuncture.
My IUI in October 2012 wasnt successful, as expected.
I wasnt particulary devastated but I wasnt ok either.
I went online and decided what the hell, I might as well give TCM (Traditional Chinese Med) a try. If some says it helps with getting pregnant, what do I have got to lose. Quite a few of my frens seemed to give it a shot and some after 5 years of infertility, got down with 2 kids after a year of TCM. TCM takes time. Some says 6months to 1 year depending on your body condition.
So I went googling and narrowed down to this lady.
The whole TCM experience is kinda hard to describe, or rather form a concrete opinion.
When I first visited her, I was just recovering from about of serious cold, sore throat, fever, etc. My body was loaded with antibiotics and tons of meds. She looked at my tongue and pronounced my body is not balanced coz of the thick white coat and it was swollen. She told me she cannot diagnose my true status until my cold is healed. In the end, I was told I was too damp internally. That is also why I have PCOS.
That was in late Oct. So every 14 days interval, I visited her in Nov, Dec for 3 course of Chinese Herbal supplement. We nailed it down to my sleeping pattern and hormones and weak kidney and liver deficiencies. She insisted I needed to sleep by 2am to have my body recover and organs recharged. My sleeping at 5am cycle was damaging.
She told me to also check my discharge.
Things that your gyn dont tell you if you are going to do IUI and IVF. I have heard alot about white egg like discharge but frankly, I have never seen it for myself. So when she told me to look out for it, i didnt know what to look out for. I mean its like telling a blind person what egg white looks like.
I tried. It was hard but I managed to get to bed by 1am or 2am, depending if the bastards living upstairs will let up on their fucking footsteps at 2am+ and 7am+. I tried politely talking to them, offering to buy rugs and shoes but was turned down and accused of being overly sensitive. Typical HK family. Insisted that they cannot possibly make so much thumping noise just from their footsteps alone...on their fucking cheap old 10+yr wooden floor. I kept my cool and invited her to my place for tea and listen to the noise for herself, just so that I am NOT over paranoid and sensitive and she get the sense of loudness. TYPICAL HK woman laughed at my suggestions and refused me out right. She said it's her living space and she has already been very quiet. What can I say to such people?
So my sleeping cycle aside, I decided to cut down on sugars and desserts. Not that hard really since I only have to reduce cakes.
By Dec 29th, she declared my tongue healthy and pulse getting better on one side but not the other.
In Dec, I also monitored my discharge. She told me to look out for "stretchy" discharge which means I need to check the consistency. I asked exactly what should I look and what define it as stretchy. From what I gathered, it should have texture like your mucous that will stretch between your fingers and not break.
She told me to use my fingers to check my vaginal but luckily for me, I didnt have to. My discharge was hanging so far down and long that it touches the water when I sit down to pee. Well, I grabbed it to stretch it to be sure and I finally know what it meant by that. Interestingly, it was really crystal clear and almost like eggwhite but less thick and gluey.
TCM doc was happy because she said that my body is redjusting and that is good. What is also good is that I had a faint line on OPK (Ovl prediction kit), first time ever since its always negative. She said its a good sign since some PCOS people will never get a faint ghost line, or they get false 2 lines all the time. The fact that there is a line means there is a surge in my LH but just not peaking high enough.
Then comes Xmas and treatment has to interrupt simce we are both going away.
It's a good thing I am brought up chinese and I like chinese med taste. Though one taste quite horrible and I need to brush my tongue to rid the after taste.
So all I can say is that TCM seem to be correcting my body but i am not sure if that is also to do with me sleeping early... wish me luck. I am gonna miss IVF in Dec since my bloody period have to clash with just the week before my flight back to OZ that xmas week.
Is it God's will that I cannot have a child?
I wasnt particulary devastated but I wasnt ok either.
I went online and decided what the hell, I might as well give TCM (Traditional Chinese Med) a try. If some says it helps with getting pregnant, what do I have got to lose. Quite a few of my frens seemed to give it a shot and some after 5 years of infertility, got down with 2 kids after a year of TCM. TCM takes time. Some says 6months to 1 year depending on your body condition.
So I went googling and narrowed down to this lady.
The whole TCM experience is kinda hard to describe, or rather form a concrete opinion.
When I first visited her, I was just recovering from about of serious cold, sore throat, fever, etc. My body was loaded with antibiotics and tons of meds. She looked at my tongue and pronounced my body is not balanced coz of the thick white coat and it was swollen. She told me she cannot diagnose my true status until my cold is healed. In the end, I was told I was too damp internally. That is also why I have PCOS.
That was in late Oct. So every 14 days interval, I visited her in Nov, Dec for 3 course of Chinese Herbal supplement. We nailed it down to my sleeping pattern and hormones and weak kidney and liver deficiencies. She insisted I needed to sleep by 2am to have my body recover and organs recharged. My sleeping at 5am cycle was damaging.
She told me to also check my discharge.
Things that your gyn dont tell you if you are going to do IUI and IVF. I have heard alot about white egg like discharge but frankly, I have never seen it for myself. So when she told me to look out for it, i didnt know what to look out for. I mean its like telling a blind person what egg white looks like.
I tried. It was hard but I managed to get to bed by 1am or 2am, depending if the bastards living upstairs will let up on their fucking footsteps at 2am+ and 7am+. I tried politely talking to them, offering to buy rugs and shoes but was turned down and accused of being overly sensitive. Typical HK family. Insisted that they cannot possibly make so much thumping noise just from their footsteps alone...on their fucking cheap old 10+yr wooden floor. I kept my cool and invited her to my place for tea and listen to the noise for herself, just so that I am NOT over paranoid and sensitive and she get the sense of loudness. TYPICAL HK woman laughed at my suggestions and refused me out right. She said it's her living space and she has already been very quiet. What can I say to such people?
So my sleeping cycle aside, I decided to cut down on sugars and desserts. Not that hard really since I only have to reduce cakes.
By Dec 29th, she declared my tongue healthy and pulse getting better on one side but not the other.
In Dec, I also monitored my discharge. She told me to look out for "stretchy" discharge which means I need to check the consistency. I asked exactly what should I look and what define it as stretchy. From what I gathered, it should have texture like your mucous that will stretch between your fingers and not break.
She told me to use my fingers to check my vaginal but luckily for me, I didnt have to. My discharge was hanging so far down and long that it touches the water when I sit down to pee. Well, I grabbed it to stretch it to be sure and I finally know what it meant by that. Interestingly, it was really crystal clear and almost like eggwhite but less thick and gluey.
TCM doc was happy because she said that my body is redjusting and that is good. What is also good is that I had a faint line on OPK (Ovl prediction kit), first time ever since its always negative. She said its a good sign since some PCOS people will never get a faint ghost line, or they get false 2 lines all the time. The fact that there is a line means there is a surge in my LH but just not peaking high enough.
Then comes Xmas and treatment has to interrupt simce we are both going away.
It's a good thing I am brought up chinese and I like chinese med taste. Though one taste quite horrible and I need to brush my tongue to rid the after taste.
So all I can say is that TCM seem to be correcting my body but i am not sure if that is also to do with me sleeping early... wish me luck. I am gonna miss IVF in Dec since my bloody period have to clash with just the week before my flight back to OZ that xmas week.
Is it God's will that I cannot have a child?
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