23th Sept 2013. Mon
Woke up today, listless.
All the symptoms are gone. Nausea and everything. Even the hunger pangs.
I went about cooking and preparing for dinner by reflexes.
I looked at Facebook numbly, looking at all those happy smiling photos of the baby photos my frens posted. It was like a reminder of how useless I am. I'm not even good enough to hold a baby through. I look at the rubbish food they eat, and I wonder to myself, their body is healthier than mine? Really? With that junk diet, they can have a baby and yet there's something wrong with me? Such a slap in the face.
I'm contemplating when's a good day to abort the baby.
My husband has arranged for a get away trip on weekend to celebrate our wedding anniversary, which falls on Sunday. This was of course pre arranged back then happily, thinking there will be 3 of us, and now it's only 2 and a dead baby inside.
I didnt want to take the medication before the weekend because I didnt want the horror and memory of the cramps while purging out the dead baby to be something to live with during the weekend.
I'm not spotting yet, so my body prob still in denial about the dead thing inside.
I'm thinking Monday. Next Monday will be a good day to get rid of it.
I dont want to be in pain and bloody on my wedding day. It will be too much for me or for anyone I think.
Life is so unfair.
Why do I always have to make hard choices like this.
As if having a dead thing inside me isnt enough, it has to be smacked on with a happy day like wedding anniversary. What have I done in this lifetime to deserve this? I havent been nasty to anyone. I have always been humble and helped those in need. So why does all these shit have to befall on me?
I want to rage. Yet I have no energy to rage at anyone.
It's my own fault.
My own fucking lousy eggs.
My own fucking lousy body.
I think about what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life.
I wished now I never embarked on this pregnancy shit.
It's so much easier to live a life that you never know what is missing.
A BFN is so much easier to deal with than a dead BFP.
If there is GOD, he is a fucking sadist.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Saturday, September 21, 2013
As expected...the end of pregnancy at 8 weeks.
8 weeks 1 day (Sat), 21 June.
I went in for my 2nd u/s today. When the screen came to live and I didnt see any flickering light, I knew it was over. My doctor wanted to be more firm and she poked around more but from her expression, my husband and I knew it was bad news.
She explained that there are no fetal heartbeat. According to normal progression, there should be a heartbeat but she couldnt detect one. The sac was still growing at 3cm + now but she is positive that it's not a viable pregnancy though she was agreeable to having one more u/s next Thursday just to confirm (I am pretty sure this is more for my sake to accept the facts than for her).
I didnt go hysterical nor did I cry.
I was in an emotional void.
Detachment.
I didnt post myfirst u/s last time because I felt I was gonna jinx it.
It is still jinxed afterall.
I wasnt in denial. I was actually expecting it.
As I had posted in earlier blog, good things never happen to me when I really wanted something.
Which is why I had been cautious in my expectations all these time and the fact that I wasnt suffering from morning sickness, nor any other symptoms was already an early indication of things to come. We presume it was the medication that was stopping the bleeding and natural miscarrying.
So my baby died.
The next thing is to get rid of it.
I was given 2 options, via medication or D&C but she recommended medication. Basically u insert the pill vaginally and let the contractions begin. She mentioned 60% complete the miscarrying this way successfully and 40% will require D&C later to remove those bits that wasnt flushed out. At that point I still wasnt sure which I wanted. D&C comes with scarring and risk of infection but via medication involves cramping and pain. So we said we will think about it since my man left the decision to me.
We went off for a quiet lunch.
Honestly, it was abit hard looking at other pregnant ladies and wondering why the fuck am I so fucking unlucky. We hear about all those unwanted babies, lousy parents and here we are one those mentally prepared to be good parents with the means and yet we are deprived of one.
I dont know why I said sorry to my husband but it just felt like acknowledgment of his disappointment too. It wasnt that I thought it was my fault, I know it isnt but I know he was disappointed too and I didnt know how else to validate that feeling. He hugged me and told me it's ok and he was more worried about me but I told him I was fine. I wasnt lying, I was emotionally stale.
I went home to read about process and experience about miscarrying via medication.
I have about enough horror stories to last my time and mentally more prepared now.
The only issue is that next weekend is our wedding anniversary and I didnt know if I should perform the miscarrying before or after the weekend. I guess after will be better since I wont be feeling halfdead, visualising the passing of the blood clots to mark my anniversary forever for the rest of my life.
He will be on a business trip in 2 weeks time and I guess I have that window to do the necessary since I have read that it is crucial to have someone with me while I miscarry. Always good to be prepared. I need a "fetcher" and food provider I suppose more than anything.
That's my update.
I dont know when I will start grieving.
I havent told any friends about it so I guess I am spared the agony of verbally saying I have lost my baby.
This is my 2nd miscarriage.
God willing, I honestly hope there wont be a 3rd.
I went in for my 2nd u/s today. When the screen came to live and I didnt see any flickering light, I knew it was over. My doctor wanted to be more firm and she poked around more but from her expression, my husband and I knew it was bad news.
She explained that there are no fetal heartbeat. According to normal progression, there should be a heartbeat but she couldnt detect one. The sac was still growing at 3cm + now but she is positive that it's not a viable pregnancy though she was agreeable to having one more u/s next Thursday just to confirm (I am pretty sure this is more for my sake to accept the facts than for her).
I didnt go hysterical nor did I cry.
I was in an emotional void.
Detachment.
I didnt post myfirst u/s last time because I felt I was gonna jinx it.
It is still jinxed afterall.
I wasnt in denial. I was actually expecting it.
As I had posted in earlier blog, good things never happen to me when I really wanted something.
Which is why I had been cautious in my expectations all these time and the fact that I wasnt suffering from morning sickness, nor any other symptoms was already an early indication of things to come. We presume it was the medication that was stopping the bleeding and natural miscarrying.
So my baby died.
The next thing is to get rid of it.
I was given 2 options, via medication or D&C but she recommended medication. Basically u insert the pill vaginally and let the contractions begin. She mentioned 60% complete the miscarrying this way successfully and 40% will require D&C later to remove those bits that wasnt flushed out. At that point I still wasnt sure which I wanted. D&C comes with scarring and risk of infection but via medication involves cramping and pain. So we said we will think about it since my man left the decision to me.
We went off for a quiet lunch.
Honestly, it was abit hard looking at other pregnant ladies and wondering why the fuck am I so fucking unlucky. We hear about all those unwanted babies, lousy parents and here we are one those mentally prepared to be good parents with the means and yet we are deprived of one.
I dont know why I said sorry to my husband but it just felt like acknowledgment of his disappointment too. It wasnt that I thought it was my fault, I know it isnt but I know he was disappointed too and I didnt know how else to validate that feeling. He hugged me and told me it's ok and he was more worried about me but I told him I was fine. I wasnt lying, I was emotionally stale.
I went home to read about process and experience about miscarrying via medication.
I have about enough horror stories to last my time and mentally more prepared now.
The only issue is that next weekend is our wedding anniversary and I didnt know if I should perform the miscarrying before or after the weekend. I guess after will be better since I wont be feeling halfdead, visualising the passing of the blood clots to mark my anniversary forever for the rest of my life.
He will be on a business trip in 2 weeks time and I guess I have that window to do the necessary since I have read that it is crucial to have someone with me while I miscarry. Always good to be prepared. I need a "fetcher" and food provider I suppose more than anything.
That's my update.
I dont know when I will start grieving.
I havent told any friends about it so I guess I am spared the agony of verbally saying I have lost my baby.
This is my 2nd miscarriage.
God willing, I honestly hope there wont be a 3rd.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Coming to end of 6 weeks. One more week till the next scan
12 Aug 2013 (Thurs)
I should be 6 eweeks 6 days today. I am assuming my little one is still growing inside me.
Had my first scan last sat, which marks the growth as 6 weeks 1 day.
Doctor did a trans-vaginal scan to confirm 2 things. It is not an ectopic pregnancy (AMEN to that) and that there is a sac and yolk growing in the right place. Amen to that too.
Maybe i was just relieved that all is in place that I can't say I was excited or emotional looking at the scan. I think partially it still feels unreal, and also because we are not out of the woods yet so there isnt anything to get particularly excited till. There is another 6 weeks more to safety zone so I guess maybe for emotional self protection, I didnt inject too much of myself into this yet in case sometime goes wrong later.
The doctor said that the size is still a little small less than 2cm so there wont be heartbeat yet though the growth rate seemed ok. So rather than coming in at 7 weeks, we both agreed that it's better for me to come in 2 weeks later at start of 8 week. At least hopefully if all is well, there is more things to see?
Symptoms
To be honest, even though there isnt morning sickness, I have kind of lost the urge to eat. It's not that I find food repulsive, I have images of food in my head but I just dont want to crawl out of my bed to eat. I am happy to just comatose in bed and drink water.
My water intake has also taken a hit and decreased.
The only thing I didnt mind having was green apple and mango, though those Taiwan mangoes are damn hard to come by these few days. So annoying.
Lunch, because I feel so lethargic, I did the unthinkable of cooking instant noodle. I cannot help it. That;s the only thing I wanted.
I felt like there is something at the back of my throat stopping any food desire.
I had fish and chips yesterday, without the batter. Bad mistake. I thot the Dicken Pub @Hotel Excelsior HK would serve decent fish and chip but it was fishy in taste, not to mention expensive.
My body has always hated potato but because I was hunger (not not hungry at the same time) I had a few chip and I felt like shit and dead weight the whole day. It was horrid and I vow not to touch another crappy fish and chip anymore. It was a disaster.
need to figure out what is easy to cook is one thing, having to cook my partner's dinner is the tiring part.
I should be 6 eweeks 6 days today. I am assuming my little one is still growing inside me.
Had my first scan last sat, which marks the growth as 6 weeks 1 day.
Doctor did a trans-vaginal scan to confirm 2 things. It is not an ectopic pregnancy (AMEN to that) and that there is a sac and yolk growing in the right place. Amen to that too.
Maybe i was just relieved that all is in place that I can't say I was excited or emotional looking at the scan. I think partially it still feels unreal, and also because we are not out of the woods yet so there isnt anything to get particularly excited till. There is another 6 weeks more to safety zone so I guess maybe for emotional self protection, I didnt inject too much of myself into this yet in case sometime goes wrong later.
The doctor said that the size is still a little small less than 2cm so there wont be heartbeat yet though the growth rate seemed ok. So rather than coming in at 7 weeks, we both agreed that it's better for me to come in 2 weeks later at start of 8 week. At least hopefully if all is well, there is more things to see?
Symptoms
To be honest, even though there isnt morning sickness, I have kind of lost the urge to eat. It's not that I find food repulsive, I have images of food in my head but I just dont want to crawl out of my bed to eat. I am happy to just comatose in bed and drink water.
My water intake has also taken a hit and decreased.
The only thing I didnt mind having was green apple and mango, though those Taiwan mangoes are damn hard to come by these few days. So annoying.
Lunch, because I feel so lethargic, I did the unthinkable of cooking instant noodle. I cannot help it. That;s the only thing I wanted.
I felt like there is something at the back of my throat stopping any food desire.
I had fish and chips yesterday, without the batter. Bad mistake. I thot the Dicken Pub @Hotel Excelsior HK would serve decent fish and chip but it was fishy in taste, not to mention expensive.
My body has always hated potato but because I was hunger (not not hungry at the same time) I had a few chip and I felt like shit and dead weight the whole day. It was horrid and I vow not to touch another crappy fish and chip anymore. It was a disaster.
need to figure out what is easy to cook is one thing, having to cook my partner's dinner is the tiring part.
Friday, September 6, 2013
24dp5dt....Into the start of my 6th week. This is real right?
6th August 2013 (Fri)
24 days past 5 days transfer.
Congratulations, you should be 6 weeks, 1 days, pregnant!
Time really flies and 2 weeks have passed since I received the call from Dr Ingrid to confirm my pregnancy.
Symptoms:
Luckily, I still have not experienced much symptoms except for slowing down of my appetite. I'm back to only eating 2 meals aday because that's about all I feel up to. However, the portions are still normal and not increased nor lessen. The only difference is that I tried REALLY HARD to incorporate greens into my diet at least once a day at this stage. I dont always feel like vege everyday. So now that's the biggest change for me to date.
Still not putting on weight either which I assume I am eating constant.
Good.
And because I am not exhibiting any anticipated sickness (yet), my husband seemed to forget I am pregnant half the time. The thing that really annoyed me was him asking me last night if he needs to be there for my first doctor appointment tomorrow. I felt like smacking his head and screamed at him and asked if I'm the only one having this baby.
That brings me to another point.
I'm feeling easily provoked and in a PMS mood.
I feel irritable pretty easily.
That's not a good thing since I'm not good at mood swings.
Urination in the middle of the night is still a pain in the arse.
Still peeing religiously at 1 and 4~4.30am.
It's seriously disturbing my sleep pattern.
I get incredibly thirsty in the middle of the night too and its a vicious cycle.
Pee drink pee.
And my tits are getting itchy every other day.
I read that its normal because the skin is stretched but damned, I feel like ripping my tits off!!
Also noticing more zits popping on my face. Not sure if its hormones or my reluctance to use my skin care every night now.
A little concerned over my seemingly normal bodily functions, I went to get another digital test just to see if there are any changes. Frankly I am more worried if the readings dropped but thankfully to God, the readings has changed. Cautiously Happy. Everything rides on what the doctor says tomorrow.
I pray to god all is well and this baby will be normal and delivered healthily.
24 days past 5 days transfer.
Congratulations, you should be 6 weeks, 1 days, pregnant!
Time really flies and 2 weeks have passed since I received the call from Dr Ingrid to confirm my pregnancy.
Symptoms:
Luckily, I still have not experienced much symptoms except for slowing down of my appetite. I'm back to only eating 2 meals aday because that's about all I feel up to. However, the portions are still normal and not increased nor lessen. The only difference is that I tried REALLY HARD to incorporate greens into my diet at least once a day at this stage. I dont always feel like vege everyday. So now that's the biggest change for me to date.
Still not putting on weight either which I assume I am eating constant.
Good.
And because I am not exhibiting any anticipated sickness (yet), my husband seemed to forget I am pregnant half the time. The thing that really annoyed me was him asking me last night if he needs to be there for my first doctor appointment tomorrow. I felt like smacking his head and screamed at him and asked if I'm the only one having this baby.
That brings me to another point.
I'm feeling easily provoked and in a PMS mood.
I feel irritable pretty easily.
That's not a good thing since I'm not good at mood swings.
Urination in the middle of the night is still a pain in the arse.
Still peeing religiously at 1 and 4~4.30am.
It's seriously disturbing my sleep pattern.
I get incredibly thirsty in the middle of the night too and its a vicious cycle.
Pee drink pee.
And my tits are getting itchy every other day.
I read that its normal because the skin is stretched but damned, I feel like ripping my tits off!!
Also noticing more zits popping on my face. Not sure if its hormones or my reluctance to use my skin care every night now.
A little concerned over my seemingly normal bodily functions, I went to get another digital test just to see if there are any changes. Frankly I am more worried if the readings dropped but thankfully to God, the readings has changed. Cautiously Happy. Everything rides on what the doctor says tomorrow.
I pray to god all is well and this baby will be normal and delivered healthily.
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