8 weeks 1 day (Sat), 21 June.
I went in for my 2nd u/s today. When the screen came to live and I didnt see any flickering light, I knew it was over. My doctor wanted to be more firm and she poked around more but from her expression, my husband and I knew it was bad news.
She explained that there are no fetal heartbeat. According to normal progression, there should be a heartbeat but she couldnt detect one. The sac was still growing at 3cm + now but she is positive that it's not a viable pregnancy though she was agreeable to having one more u/s next Thursday just to confirm (I am pretty sure this is more for my sake to accept the facts than for her).
I didnt go hysterical nor did I cry.
I was in an emotional void.
Detachment.
I didnt post myfirst u/s last time because I felt I was gonna jinx it.
It is still jinxed afterall.
I wasnt in denial. I was actually expecting it.
As I had posted in earlier blog, good things never happen to me when I really wanted something.
Which is why I had been cautious in my expectations all these time and the fact that I wasnt suffering from morning sickness, nor any other symptoms was already an early indication of things to come. We presume it was the medication that was stopping the bleeding and natural miscarrying.
So my baby died.
The next thing is to get rid of it.
I was given 2 options, via medication or D&C but she recommended medication. Basically u insert the pill vaginally and let the contractions begin. She mentioned 60% complete the miscarrying this way successfully and 40% will require D&C later to remove those bits that wasnt flushed out. At that point I still wasnt sure which I wanted. D&C comes with scarring and risk of infection but via medication involves cramping and pain. So we said we will think about it since my man left the decision to me.
We went off for a quiet lunch.
Honestly, it was abit hard looking at other pregnant ladies and wondering why the fuck am I so fucking unlucky. We hear about all those unwanted babies, lousy parents and here we are one those mentally prepared to be good parents with the means and yet we are deprived of one.
I dont know why I said sorry to my husband but it just felt like acknowledgment of his disappointment too. It wasnt that I thought it was my fault, I know it isnt but I know he was disappointed too and I didnt know how else to validate that feeling. He hugged me and told me it's ok and he was more worried about me but I told him I was fine. I wasnt lying, I was emotionally stale.
I went home to read about process and experience about miscarrying via medication.
I have about enough horror stories to last my time and mentally more prepared now.
The only issue is that next weekend is our wedding anniversary and I didnt know if I should perform the miscarrying before or after the weekend. I guess after will be better since I wont be feeling halfdead, visualising the passing of the blood clots to mark my anniversary forever for the rest of my life.
He will be on a business trip in 2 weeks time and I guess I have that window to do the necessary since I have read that it is crucial to have someone with me while I miscarry. Always good to be prepared. I need a "fetcher" and food provider I suppose more than anything.
That's my update.
I dont know when I will start grieving.
I havent told any friends about it so I guess I am spared the agony of verbally saying I have lost my baby.
This is my 2nd miscarriage.
God willing, I honestly hope there wont be a 3rd.
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