Mourning. Day 2

23th Sept 2013. Mon

Woke up today, listless.

All the symptoms are gone. Nausea and everything. Even the hunger pangs.

I went about cooking and preparing for dinner by reflexes.

I looked at Facebook numbly, looking at all those happy smiling photos of the baby photos my frens posted. It was like a reminder of how useless I am. I'm not even good enough to hold a baby through. I look at the rubbish food they eat, and I wonder to myself, their body is healthier than mine? Really? With that junk diet, they can have a baby and yet there's something wrong with me? Such a slap in the face.

I'm contemplating when's a good day to abort the baby.
My husband has arranged for a get away trip on weekend to celebrate our wedding anniversary, which falls on Sunday. This was of course pre arranged back then happily, thinking there will be 3 of us, and now it's only 2 and a dead baby inside.

I didnt want to take the medication before the weekend because I didnt want the horror and memory of the cramps while purging out the dead baby to be something to live with during the weekend.

I'm not spotting yet, so my body prob still in denial about the dead thing inside.

I'm thinking Monday. Next Monday will be a good day to get rid of it.
I dont want to be in pain and bloody on my wedding day. It will be too much for me or for anyone I think.

Life is so unfair.
Why do I always have to make hard choices like this.
As if having a dead thing inside me isnt enough, it has to be smacked on with a happy day like wedding anniversary. What have I done in this lifetime to deserve this? I havent been nasty to anyone. I have always been humble and helped those in need. So why does all these shit have to befall on me?

I want to rage. Yet I have no energy to rage at anyone.
It's my own fault.
My own fucking lousy eggs.
My own fucking lousy body.

I think about what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life.
I wished now I never embarked on this pregnancy shit.
It's so much easier to live a life that you never know what is missing.
A BFN is so much easier to deal with than a dead BFP.

If there is GOD, he is a fucking sadist.