Depressed

I did a home test on Sunday afternoon. I got a shock when it read 1-2 weeks pregnant. However I was very cautious and googled.

You would think that false positive is impossible but apparently for Clearblue Digital pregnancy kit, there were alot of complaints about false positive for the early months.

I bought another home kit to test on Monday and it was negative. Not a surprise.

On Tuesday 29 Jan, I went for my pap smear. It didnt occur to me to inform my doc about the home test since the nurse sat me on the reclining chair in the next room first before even meeting the doctor. I was prep for the Pap smear even before I said hello.

After the Pap Smear, i told the doctor about it and reckon its a false positive but we went for a blood test anyway to test my beta hcg level.

That eve, the nurse called and told me the doctor requested for me to go for 2nd blood test on thurs morn at 8am so that she can get the report by 1pm before her op.

I didnt understand and so I asked the nurse why. I dont know if its a chinese thing, myth or what but the nurse wasnt very forthcoming except that the doc wanted to see my 2nd hcg reading. She proceeded to say mine was very low at 28.

28 what? what does 28 mean?

anycase, I asked if I could do the test on friday. Initially i didnt want my husband to know about the blood test incase a negative will upset him. Getting up at 7am which is abnormal will be hard to explain. The nurse however insisted that the its better. Why better i asked. She said in case the doc need to give me supplements.

So I spent the next day going through the internet to know what she was not telling me.
The doc need anoher blood work to see if my beta hcg was rising or dropping. Dropping means it was a failed pregnancy.

On Wed afternoon, I was devasted and horrified when I saw my pantiliner soaked with brown blood. I had a sinking feeling. That eve i googled what that meant. I was hoping it was because of the pap smear and not the other bad news.

Howeve wed nite, more fresh blood in my discharge. That cannot be due to the pap smear  I am certain now. I had pap smear before and it doesnt carry over to the 2nd day. As I googled, I was more horrified to read how alot of people complained of failed pregnancy due to pap smear. I felt so depressed.

On thurs morning 31 Jan, just before I went for my blood test. I saw fresh blood stains on my pantyliner. Not spotting. It looks like bleeding.

After my blood test and I got home 1 hour later, I was seeing bright dark red discharge exactly like my period hanging off down to the water in the toilet bowl. If this isnt indicator of a failure...I dont know what is. I think it's pretty obvious that my body is delivering the bad news before the phone call I will receive, except that now I feel awlful to have presented a small window of hope to my partner last night, only to dash it now.

I googled and every article said it should be light spotting and brown blood. Not red like mine. U know how the feeling of your heart sinking to your tummy feels? That's how I feel now.

I had really hope it would be a good news but I know that everytime I wish hard for something, it almost never happens...it's almost like a taboo for me to want or wish for anything or get too excited.

I'm 38yr. My window is shrinking and makes me wonder if I have the heart to take this journey of potential hearbreaks.