Hcg test follow up

Went back for follow up check today. My hcg has dropped from the thousands range to 100 today after a week. So doctor reckoned I can do a hp test in 2 weeks time to check if my hcg gone down to below 5. If it's faint line, she suggest to wait a week and do a second test and only to come back If it's still positive. 

She saw something on the scan and couldn't tell definitely if it's blood clot or polyp. She didn't think it will affect pregnacy n so it's ok to leave it. 

Meanwhile my man and I decided to check our chromosome n my immunity which will take place after my period. That means my body will take a break from probes n meds. As the blood needs to be sent to CU ( Chinese uni), it has to drawn in the morn before 12pm and on mon - Thursday only. If the day after is public hols, it's not possible either as they need the blood to b as fresh as possible. 

If fortune telling books is to be believed, the same guy (whom my mum is a fan of) said there is no hope of pregnancy for me this year. The same guy who said I will have no hope either last 2 years and predicted accurately I will be moving home this year. Crap. 

Hcg test follow up

Went back for follow up check today. My hcg has dropped from the thousands range to 100 today after a week. So doctor reckoned I can do a hp test in 2 weeks time to check if my hcg gone down to below 5. If it's faint line, she suggest to wait a week and do a second test and only to come back If it's still positive. 

She saw something on the scan and couldn't tell definitely if it's blood clot or polyp. She didn't think it will affect pregnacy n so it's ok to leave it. 

Meanwhile my man and I decided to check our chromosome n my immunity which will take place after my period. That means my body will take a break from probes n meds. As the blood needs to be sent to CU ( Chinese uni), it has to drawn in the morn before 12pm and on mon - Thursday only. If the day after is public hols, it's not possible either as they need the blood to b as fresh as possible. 

If fortune telling books is to be believed, the same guy (whom my mum is a fan of) said there is no hope of pregnancy for me this year. The same guy who said I will have no hope either last 2 years and predicted accurately I will be moving home this year. Crap. 

5 week 5 day: Miscarriage confirmed after bleeding

After Tuesday blood test, went in again today to test my 2nd Beta. 

As expected, I have miscarried at 5 weeks plus. My hcg on Tuesday was 5000+ but today it has dropped down to 1200+. The scan also revealed most of the blood has gone and some tissues remained. She did a comparison and said it's actually more cleared this time than my last missed miscarriage. 

So she will give me the pills again to try to expel everything rather than wait for the body to do it and be incomplete. We will scan again next week to see if the uterus is cleared completely. 

I asked about test for autoimmunity and chromosome and she said we could wait till 3rd attempt but I was thinking if we should do it now to rule it out first. Dr is ok but recommends till hcg goes to zero so that there will not be a false positive for the tests. 

Lesson to take away from this 2 miscarriage. Even if we start off at high hcg, which is 410 for 8dp3dt for frozen egg, it isn't a warranty that it has a higher chance. My 5 day blast started with half that hcg level but lasted longer with fetal pole seen at 8 week without heartbeat. 

I don't know why I'm having miscarriages repeatedly when I don't feel anything wrong with me and I don't drink or smoke or eat junk. Is 38 yo eggs really that bad??? 

I don't know how many many rounds of Ivf I want to go through. I still have 6 frozen but I don't know how good they are even though they have good grading. This is the moment I really want to rant at the sky n go WTF is wrong?!!!

5 weeks 3 days: follow up checks after blood clot bleeding

Called hospital this morning since I figured they take forever to reply my email. Managed to secure a 1230pm walk in after I explained I was bleeding clots last night. 

Basically, after 2 rounds of blood clots shedding, the bleeding kinda ease up. I went in fully expecting to see nothing.

My doctor before the scan took a quick manual examination at my cervix. She told me she still see something in my uterus like the sac but she cannot confirm because we haven't had our first scan prior. However it is likely that my body is miscarrying. She asked if I had cramps n I said no. Only pinkish discharge.

So I went in for blood test today and another on Friday to see if my HCG is falling. That will be a sure indication of what's happening. 

I'm not hopeful and I told her I m mentally prepared. She said should it be the case, then once again we will have to use the abortion pills process. 

I asked her if there's a need to test but she said no. Normally they only will consider after 3 consecutive miscarriage.

So for now, all I can do is wait n see what happens on Friday. With that much blood loss, even if it's hope against hope, I still like to hope for a miracle. 

5 week 2 day: Started bleeding clots. Natural miscarriage

Just after I blogged about 3weeks + on my home test, I ended up with natural miscarriage tonight. 

First it started with a very "full" feeling like cramp and by 6pm, I felt a gush n didn't think much until I realise it felt too bad. To my horror, I went to toilet and saw my panty liner was soaked thru with bright red blood. 

I went on to cook dinner and my bleeding continued. I knew deep down it's another failed pregnancy. By 8.30pm I went to shower. I decided to stand in tub n my instincts was right. I passed out a huge blood clot with a whitish sac like thing attached to the clot.

 I knew it was over and my body has expelled the unwanted tissue, once again. 

Right now, I'm just bleeding bright red blood without clots. 

I didn't have the heart to tell my poor husband since he is going on a trip tmw. 

Oh well. No one says pregnancy for old woman is gonna be easy. 

5weeks 2 days (21dp3dt)

21dp3dt

Decided to do a clearblue digital pee stick today. Even though I didn't use the first urine of the day as required, it still says 3+ weeks thankfully which coincide with my 5+ weeks counting. This doesn't say much except my hcg is rising but at what rate, unsure. 

Nothing much has changed. Did experienced a shocking night sweat few nights back. I woke up cold and completely drenched in my thin layer of tshirt in an Aircon room. I was so literally wet all over and I just had to crawl out of bed to get changed. 

What did worry me a little was seeing a very slight pinkish discharge for a couple of nights. I wasn't sure if it was irritation from inserting the endometrin suppositories, which I have found it increasingly harder to stick it up my vagina. At the early weeks, it has been relatively been a breeze to slide the applicator up but this week, I really struggled at the entrance. It's like the damn passageway is refusing easy access.

Other than that, sometimes, I felt like something is stuck at back of my throat in the afternoon but it's gone after I sip water. Initially I Thot it might be morning sickness only to realise that it was part of the side effects from overrating cherries, apart from runny tummy. Oh well.

Starting today, tummy been feeling a little cramp like too. It's more like nagging discomfort rather than actual pain. 

It's 13th jan today. Another 8 days to go before I know the outcome from the u/scan. No point being worried I guess since there's absolutely nothing I can do to change anything. I'm glad I'm moving, so that I have something else concrete to distract me and look forward to, something within my control. 

4weeks 4 days (16dp3dt): Ramblings

4weeks 4 days (16dp3dt)

Time seems to fly past when I'm not hung up on dates.
Today, I dropped by my TCM to pick up some herbs which is targeted at potential mothers with miscarriage history. Hopefully this will help.

I still feel normal and the same.
I did a pee test yesterday and ok, it says 2-3 weeks now. Hope that means my little bud is growing, alive and kicking inside, figuratively speaking of course.

Compared to the last round, despite the mild cough and sniffling, I feel better in the sense that I dont feel as cold as previously. Also, my weight remains at 52kg. No funny business of dropping down to 49kg like the previous round.

Been eating alot of cherries, so that definitely helped with my bowel business and prevent constipation due to progesterone. Then again, constipation will prob be a more serious problems for mothers with a bigger tummy I think.

In terms of food, maybe its still early but unlike previous round, I dont have much cravings either.
Just the usual food to get back.

The only thing I am waiting to see if it happens is morning sickness.
Of course not everyone who suffers from it will have a live birth but somehow it seems to prove to be a stronger indication. We shall see....

Apart from baby business....I have tons of work mapped out before me!

Been a busy week, finalising the paper work for our new rental place and trying to contact various movers for appointments to get free quotes for the local HK move.

Narrowed down to
- Expert movers (waiting for someone to call me back to fix a date)
- Links Relocation (waiting for someone to call me back to fix a date))
- Santa Fe
- Tradeswind
- Yamato

Definitely ruled out Crown after the disastrous experience I had with my international move with them from Sydney to Hong Kong. Crown Australia is SHITTY and EXPENSIVE and INCOMPETENT. They damaged so many of my furnitures and they couldnt even finish packing in Sydney and I had to chip in to help pack. So no, NO MORE CROWN thank you very much. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one with shitty service from them....was trolling the forums and other expats had the same problems with them.

I thought about trying local movers but the thought of them possibly ruining my plasma and other ex furniture made me pause.

Meanwhile, my HK landlord seemed like a really nice chap. I guess being born rich affords to be nice to tenants unlike our previous cheap nasty wannabe rich HK landlord. This new landlord is only 34yo, holds a high position and graduates from Harvard. Very nice chap who had his staff to meet me to discuss about my needs for blackout curtains etc. His only request in contract is no smoking in the premises which is totally fine by me, since personally i HATE smokers and since I was 10yo, I banned all my relatives form smoking inside our house. Yes...I was a terror back then. Good thing all my uncles doted on me and were happy to hole up in the balcony to lit up.

Meanwhile,  informed my part time helper about my move and if she is willing to continue to follow me to my new place. She was more than happy to continue working for us. I joked with her "Thank goodness....at least that means I'm not a bad employer!" Lol! I reckon she prob like my new place better being closer to Central. That means she spend less on transport getting to my place coz she can walk down the escalator.
Everyone's happy!

4weeks2 days (14dp3dt) : Decision to defer my u/s

My original u/s was due on 17th Jan. However, after looking at the pregnancy week by week calendar, I decided to push it backwards by a few more days to 21st Jan.

You see, 17th Jan (Friday) is estimated to be end of 5weeks. So that means apart from verifying whether the sac is planted correctly, i cannot see anything and I will prob have to (worry) and come in again just the day before chinese new year to see if there is flickering heartbeat at close to 7 weeks.. That would means I have to pay the scan twice which isnt cheap (at least HK$1000+ x2) just to see if its viable.

However if i pushed it to 21st Jan, I should ( ideally for a healthy development) be able to see at least flickering scan if its a viable birth since the date puts me at about mid of 6week. If I dont see anything or the prognosis isnt good, then I know I can get prepared mentally and get started on the inevitable earlier than wait around for another 2 more useless weeks. Since now that I know my hCG drops so slowly, I am better prepared to anticipate what to do now.

If I can see something, then at least it will be a good new year and can wait till my next scan after CNY to see what happens.

Hoping. Really hoping. and crossing my fingers.

I was looking at all the "possible" scary dates from 6wk, 8 wks, 10wks, 12wks.

They either falls on CNY, near Valentine, near my birthday. It's almost freaking scary that all my pregnancy milestones are always around those important dates. If this baby can be good enough for a live birth, then its due will be exactly the same date as the day I was pronounced with miscarriage in Sept this year. Talk about coincidental....

I'm actually less uptight about the weeks and dates now this time round. I pushed it out of my head. Had to check again online to find out what I am today and i'm feeling alittle moody with my man.

Last night, my area behind my belly button felt funny. Twinges, tugging pain.

Not sure if its a good or bad thing.

Still drinking alot of water.

Still no nausea nor swollen boobs symptom and healthy appetite.

Also ate alot of oysters these two days, cooked ones of course. They were having 4+1 promotion and the French oysters looked really good!!! Fat and juicy. Well, they tasted cooked. I hope i didnt do something stupid.

We are gonna move!

I reckon this will be a busy 2 months for me. We have decided to move to a bigger apartment, with a roof top.

One of the main reasons for the move was that I was too fedup with the neighbours upstairs constantly stomping around in the morning ranging from 6-8am, and at night after midnight and sometimes even 2am at night. It was impossible to sleep through and even with ear plugs, I could still hear them. Even my hanging lights will shake when they stomp around. Else she would be clumsy and drop things all the time.

The worst is that it isnt kids. It's this skinny HK mother who refuses to lay any carpet or rug over their cheap wooden floor. And their son's room is partially next to our master room and so that big fellow will wake me with any chair dragging or when he decide to throw things on ground.

I tried to talk to her nicely a few times, even offering to buy the rug or indoor slippers but she refused. It was impossible situation.

So after 3 years, much that i LOVE my apartment since everything was customised to suit our life style, I had to move. It was too much stress. I rem my last 2 pregnancies, her stomping caused me much distress and I wasnt able to sleep properly. That cannot be good nor conducive for a healthy birth I'm sure.

So after spending half of dec looking around, we found one in central or rather near midlevels area. It doesnt have a nice view like ours. And its not smacked centrally like mine now surrounded by restaurants and supermarts. However, we are hoping that being on the top floor, it will offer us some quieter nights to sleep in and being lesser neighbors, no more constant renovation noises through the year too.

In a way I'm excited, and in a way nervous.

In Chinese culture, you are not supposed to move during pregnancy.
I'm also worried as to if there are potential molding problems in new place.
Also need to get rid of the renovation smell.

To say i will not miss my beloved apartment and all my lovely EXPENSIVE furnishing will be a lie. Though I must admit I did design this place "minimally" with possible renting it out in mind. I will miss my very expensive lights, and my very expensive curtains. Still wondering if I can move mine along to the new place but I think the height might be a problem.

Anycase...I try not to think too much. Just hoping this will be a brand new start and if the baby sticks, at least we have a bigger place to work with and play with.

3week 6day (11dp3dt): hCG beta level report is out!

Okie. Off to a good start of the year.

I was about to head off to buy groceries when the nurse called me at 2pm that Dr Lok has approve my request for early blood test. One of the reason I had wanted to test early, apart from confirming the HPT is that my progesterone tablets will finish by this Sunday. That will mean I will miss Monday's dose if I waited till Monday to get my bloodwork done.

So off I went, strolled to Level 1 to get my bloodwork done.
I had a really grumpy looking old woman to take my blood.
Oh well.

While I was having an incredibly difficult time hunting down to buy replacement shoe laces for my man's Timberland shoes, I received a NO ID call. Hospital that quick??
It surprised me that the report was ready under an hour this time.
The last time my blood test took 3 freaking hours to be ready.

Dr Ingrid identified herself and confirmed that my 2nd IVF treatment via FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) is a success.

She said  "Congratulations, u are pregnant again" Ha ha ha. That is funny considering she said that to me the first time 4 months ago. She is genuinely happy for me I know but my joy is just muted but I still tried to sound cheerful for her sake. Afterall, it's not her fault that my first pregnancy failed. I could tell it wasnt easy for her the last time and she kept a very neutral face while delivering the bad news. Maybe it's just me, but one dont just suffer a loss recently and then skip with joy even though this is indeed good news and start. Truth is, I'm just relieved that the hCG is not a low number to start off.

I dont even care to hope or pray now since I know that doesnt work squat the last time.

Until the baby is actually born, then I will thank my lucky stars. Otherwise, I will just try to live day by day and do my best. Afterall, what determines whether its viable is the chromosomes more than any prayers. Staying pregnant seemed to be my biggest problem. Sigh.

At 11dp3dt, the nurse told me my hCg level registers at 410. I can't rem what was my previous 5day transfer value but I vaguely think this might be higher than the previous reading. I'm wondering if the nurse told me the wrong number because over 400 seemed too high for a single embryo transfer at such early stage. I am wondering if she had told me the progesterone level instead? I will know in 2 weeks time after I get back my blood work report.

My scan is scheduled on 17th Jan 2014.
Unlike in the States where repeated blood work is done 2 days later, HK definitely do not have this obsession. If the doctor deemed the first hCG level is in good range, then that's it. The doctors here are more pragmatic. Looking at the scan 2 weeks after the 2WW is more beneficial than the blood works results since the blood work will not tell u if its blighted ovum or etopic etc.Wish me luck for my scan in 2 weeks time.

I guess my food restrictions will start again.

According to TCM, eggplant and pears are believed to cause problems during pregnancy and should be avoided. Excessive amounts of green tea can deplete folic acid levels and caffeine of any sort deprives the fetus of oxygen and blood; therefore any caffeinated tea consumption should be avoided. Mint tea dries up breast milk and should be avoided during the last trimester and while breastfeeding. All prescription drugs and nutritional supplements should be reviewed to determine any effect they may have on the production of breast milk.

To help reduce the risk of food allergies in the newborn, pregnant women may want to limit peanuts and eggs. If there is a history of sensitivity to wheat, dairy, or sugar prior to pregnancy, then avoiding them during pregnancy is recommended. For baby girls, the reproductive system is developing during the first and second trimesters and TCM practitioners believe a healthy diet during pregnancy is critical to promote fertility for future generations.

***********************************************************

Meanwhile for those interested, here's a hCG chart I found from this link.

hCG Levels

Days from LMP	Weeksfrom LMP	Events	Avg hCG mIU/ml	Range hCG mIU/ml
26	3w+5d		25	0-50
27	3w+6d		50	25-100
28	4w+0d	Missed period	75	50-100
29	4w+1d		150	100-200
30	4w+2d		300	200-400
31	4w+3d		700	400-1,000
32	4w+4d		1,710	1,050-2,800
33	4w+5d		2,320	1,440-3,760
34	4w+6d		3,100	1,940-4,980
35	5w+0d		4,090	2,580-6,530
36	5 1/7		5,340	3,400-8,450
37	5 2/7		6,880	4,420-10,810
38	5 3/7	yolk sac	8,770	5,680-13,660
39	5 4/7	yolk sac	11,040	7,220-17,050
40	5 5/7	yolk sac	13,730	9,050-21,040
41	5 6/7	yolk sac	15,300	10,140-23,340
42	6	heartbeat	16,870	11,230-25,640
43	6 1/7	heartbeat	20,480	13,750-30,880
44	6 2/7	heartbeat	24,560	16,650-36,750
45	6 3/7	embryo seen	29,110	19,910-43,220
46	6 4/7	embryo seen	34,100	25,530-50,210
47	6 5/7	embryo seen	39,460	27,470-57,640
48	6 6/7	embryo seen	45,120	31,700-65,380
49	7		50,970	36,130-73,280
50	7 1/7		56,900	40,700-81,150
51	7 2/7		62,760	45,300-88,790
52	7 3/7		68,390	49,810-95,990
53	7 4/7		73,640	54,120-102,540
54	7 5/7		78,350	58,200-108,230
55	7 6/7		82,370	61,640-112,870
56	8		85,560	64,600-116,310

- See more at: http://www.babymed.com/hcg-level-in-early-pregnancy#sthash.qulMvgR6.dpuf

8dp3dt: BFP on Clearblue strip

8dp3dt. New Years eve. 

I Thot wat the heck, is there's anything or not I might as well try my luck with home kit.

Could this be real? 

Will 2014 be a happier year?

I'm holding my breath. 

Tmw is NY so I can't call the hospital for early Hcg blood test. 

We shall see.

As per what my man says, we can only b happy if it actually is born alive n healthy. 

The last interrupted short lived experience has def muted any joy or excitement. Looks like it ain't just me alone. 

8dp3dt. No implantation symptom....

8dp3dt

This is my second 2WW and unlike the first time round where I was more "atuned" to my body and excited with anticipation, this time round, I didnt carry much expectations and days do zip by. I didnt even realise I have reached the 8 day mark, only because I had to go back to test my progesterone level did it make me realise I have reach the half way mark in the 2WW.

Unlike the previous 5 days transfer where I felt very precise and exact pain, which I realised now is implantation pain, I didnt feel any cramp or just pain this time round. What I did experience though was a sharp navel button tug twice during dinner last night. This feels completely different from the sharp pain previously.  It's more like someone is pulling your belly button from the inside and yank it down towards your pee area. It was over in few mins. Strange.

Which to be honest, does make me a little sad to think that this FET round may not have work. With the sore throat I have since Xmas and trying to ward off a cough, all these without medication, makes me feel like a lonely battle against fate. Seemingly so much obstacles as usual.

I have also been extremely lazy this time round.

I didnt eat as well as the previous time, I didnt feel as hungry as frequently as previous and I hole up at home to watch TV more. Well, primarily coz its cold out there. The only thing that I still do is drink a lot of water. I feel so dehydrated all the time and with the sore throat, I felt I need to sip warm water every min.

My man has been trying to plan for a holiday to go somewhere which is hard since we dont know when I can fly till after 6th Jan and alot of hotels and airline expect payment by 1st Jan. Sooo Soooo Soooo annoying.

The nurse tried to reach me today to tell me if my progesterone level is enough but I was fast asleep till 12pm. Dead tired. Just Surprised that they didnt bother to leave a message. I tried to call them back but as usual, the line is always unanswered.

Will try again later.

Speaking of progesterone pills, unlike the previous crinone gel which made me itch, this tablet format works better with lesser itch at night. However, it disturbs my sleep because it constantly discharges this watery discharge at night which will soak thru my panty liner. So while I didnt get the other itch effect, I get the constant wet feeling which forces me to wake to change my liner. I tried using a pad instead but somehow that made me itch. I think the discharge when dried up, leaves a powdery residue that irritates my outerskin of my vagina somehow. This is soooo frustrating. So I have been sleeping in a 3 hour cycle everynight...

3dp3dt: Dealing with a super bad sorethroat the non- medicinal way

I cannot even imagine how the hell I had this sorethroat considering I ate nothing fried, heaty and I slept early! WTF!

Since I couldnt eat meds, I resorted to natural methods of gargling with warm sea salt water. To give it extra kick, I boil ginger water, mixed it with Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV) and gargled the hell out of my throat. I also drank the ginger ACV mixed with honey. It tasted quite nice really.

In less than 2 days, the sore throat subsided. No kidding.
I can finally talk without feeling like I have a fish bone pricking me from my throat!
Thank goodness!

I think the ACV with ginger really nailed it better than the salt water but it could be my imagination.

Healthy homemade porridge loaded with my fav seaweed mixed in.

I am crossing my fingers that the cough dont develop.

2dp3dt: Merry Xmas and down with the worst sorethroat

Merry Xmas all mums to be and wannabe (like me).

Since ther's only me at home, I didnt see a point to set up a Xmas tree.

Went to relative house for hot pot. Bad idea. Now I'm feeling sick.
My sore throat is acting up and I think a dry cough may be on its way unless I can ward it off.
The sorethroat is REALLY BAD. It's the prickling pain sort that hurst quite a lot when swallowing.
Damn.

I couldnt take the meds since u know, there's a fertilised egg in me waiting to implant (cross fingers). Will Santa grant me a wish and gives me my Xmas wish for a baby next year?

Anycase, had insomnia last nite. Went to bed at 1am and woke up at 5am.
watched Tv till 9.30am and fell back asleep till 12.30pm.

I am feeling so shitty now.

23dec: IVF round 2: Frozen Embryo Transfer #1 (FET)

Finally the day is here.

Initially we thought about using 2 embryo but Dr Lok said we can consider the single embryo since she thinks its good quality. At this point, I honestly dont have an opinion and left it to her.

My man has already flew back to Australia on 21st Dec and so this time round, I am on my own.

It's fine really. No fuss, no high, no excitement.
In fact, all excitement had long fizzled out since the last failure and so I'm just going in as if it was just another day. In fact, I had been pretty laxed and didnt take my estraferm on time and I even got the dosage wrong. The scan had revealed that I had a uterus small polyps which wasnt there before...I suspect its the hormones pills...anycase Dr said its small and most likely not cancerous and so we can leave it unless it becomes an issue in future..

My appointment was supposed to be at 14:30pm but since there were 5 others doing the FET, mine was delayed till 3.30pm. Which was fine since I went to pee at 2.15pm as I couldnt hold my bladder and I had to replenhish with another 4 cups. So I needed that 1 hour for my bladder to refill.

I think I over did it and I was really suffering in agony from full bladder. Dr Lok came in and told me I can go pee so long I dont empty my bladder. Since I didnt know exactly how much pee I have and I didnt want to botch my op from empty bladder (hence poor visbility on the screen), I let off only a little since I knew once the main flow gets started, I may not be able to control and stop myself from not emptying it.

Because of the Polyps, there was small bleeding which means your discharge is pink instead of white.
I saw the embryo again on the screen, bright like a star and all I can do is pray.
I dont even dare to hope anymore.
I guess that;s what first failure does to you. I dont know how some can go through so many rounds.

Before Dr Lok left, she told me that I have 6 frozen em left and I replied "I hope I dont have to use them after this" She gave a chuckle and agreed and wish me good luck.

I went back home famished.
I just made chicken soup and ate some corn and egg.

The nutrition advice is completely different this time.
There was no special mention except to avoid papaya and banana.
I think I will still stick to no liver as well and eat my eggs.

It will be another long 14 days (2WW) wait and on the 30th I have to go in check my progesterone and 6th Jan for blood test. I think before that, my HPT will tell me if I;m successful or not. Based on the below chart, I have 9 more days to wait.

3-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The embryo continues to grow and develop, turning from a 6-8 cell embryo into a morula
Two	The cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst
Three	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Four	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Five	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Six	Implantation continues
Seven	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Eight	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Nine	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Ten	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eleven	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

Perhaps, I have lesser hope now, assuming I have poor quality eggs...this 2WW doesnt seem as daunting as the previous round. I still pray for the best but I think I am def less excited this time round.

IVF #1: My miscarriage at 8wks and abortion process that took 2.5monthsto complete,

It has been about 3 months since I was last told my pregnancy failed at 8 wks in late september.

Just a quick update as to what has been happening.
After getting the abortion pills for my miscarriage, I went back and got myself prepared for the inevitable.
I bought tons of panadol and stock up on heavy duty pads.

30Sept

- Woke up at 8am and inserted my first pill. I really struggled with pills insertion without an application. Mentally, it was really hard to go thru and I was pretty sure I didnt get to insert all the way in before the pill started to dissolve. Panicked. Wasnt sure if I botched my own abortion process and called the nurse for help advice. She returned my call by 12pm and assured me its ok and the pill should work so long as I didnt leave it right at the entrance of the vagina.
- Just for preventive measure, took a normal panadol. I figured I can always add on the extra strength ones if I feel its gonna be bad.
- By 1pm, I started to bleed. It wasnt heavy but light.

- It was time for the 2nd pill insertion. I couldnt do it myself and so unfortunately I had to rope my husband in to help "finger" the damn pill in. Good thing the nurse gave me rubber gloves in advance for it since she knew it was gonna be a bloody affair. Trust me, I absolutely hated every minute of it since my poor man was more worried about hurting me and was very slow which prolonged the agony of feeling the pill rubbing up the wall sides.

- Assuming that the 2nd pill might trigger the major bleed and supposedly contractions for the uterus to abort the baby, I took another 2 panadol normal pills.

- Normal period like bleeding and didnt feel any cramps or pain. I didnt even need my panadol after this.
I ate dinner went to bed as per normal.

- Inserted the last pill at night but no change in bleeding status. Still light flow

1 Oct

- Still very light bleeding. Getting concerned, emailed the hospital to get advice.
- no pain, no cramps.

2Oct

- woke up and when I was changing clothes, I felt a passing out of a blot.
- I went to toilet and there is was a clot size of my thumb and on it, the beige clump on it.
- I took a closer look and I am positive that was my baby, with a small black dot that looks like its eyes.
It looks like it was laying flat like a panda for a rest.
- wrap the thing up and flush it down the toilet.
- I'm pretty sure my abortion has been completed. or at least whatever they had wanted to be out seemed to be out.

Emotionally. 

Stable. Clinically Detached. Went out to binge on Japanese food

I wonder what does that say about me? I wasnt affected. Because I didnt get to hear a heartbeat. I didnt get to see it grow. I didnt get to feel it move. Is that why I could be so normal as if nothing happened? I didnt want to talk about it either. So apart from my man, only my BFF knew because I had to cancel a trip I had planned with her. She flew in to be with me and I appreciate that. Life for me, was back to as it was. I just wished life could be a little more smooth sailing and kind to me.

The only time when it pricked was another close fren whose wife is pregnant. Same time as I had but hers is all good to go and they are happily sharing pictures of her growing tummy. It does make it harder to watch in Dec since we were the SAME dates and it makes you think "That could have been me too!" Instead now, you sit behind the screen and watch other people sharing their bliss and joy. I'm not jealous, i'm just mildly
sad. And God has to let me bump into them on the streets as if seeing the photos on FB wasnt bad enough, it has to be in person encounter to rub it in my face.

I had said it before, God is sadistic towards me if he exists.


3Oct

- Hospital called and asked me to come in early tomorrow for check up instead of waiting till next Monday.

4 Oct

- Dr did a scan and the screen showed an empty uterus. She was surprised that everything seemed to have been ejected by the uterus and only small mild clots still remained inside which she is confident will pass on its own.
- After the scan, we had a brief consultation.
- I was told to wait for 1-2 cycles of period before restarting my next FET cycle. I asked her how long more before my period will come again. she said to estimate 2-4 weeks once the Hcg comes down. So she reckon we will restart in Dec.
- She told me that if it doesnt happen in a month, I should inform the hospital to come back for scan just in case there are still tissues inside that needs D&C op to scrape out the remaining tissues that wont come out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

October - Nov

I waited and waited but there was no sign of my period. It was already passed the 5 weeks mark and so I contacted the hospital.

6 Nov

- Gone for Hcg test.
- It was still registering at 157.
- I was suppose to return 2 days later but I didnt coz I had gone to Japan for a week's holiday.

14 Nov

- Gone for Hcg since still no period.
- Hcg still at 50+ level
- Told to come back for blood test in a week.

25 Nov

- Gone back for Hcg test
- Register 25 level

2 Dec

- Gone back for Hcg test
- Register at 13 level
- Basically at this point, I realise that it was going down by half every week.

8 Dec

- Return for Hcg blood test
 - Register below 10. I need not return for repeated test.
- Abortion completed.

10 Dec
- Ah....finally my period arrived. My Hcg has finally hit zero.
- It wasnt clot nor heavy. It was just light as medium flow that was done in 4 days. It wasnt scary as what others had experienced in internet posts. I thanked god for that.
- Called hospital and got a consultation tomorrow.

11 Dec
- Dr did a scan to confirm uterus was fine and ovaries are back to normal size.
- We decided that we can go ahead with FET this cycle since it's almost been 2.5 months since my last miscarriage.

I have completely NO IDEA that HCG will fall so slowly and I realised that every positive and then failed cycle will take about 6 months for the process to end before you can restart (unless you get a BFN from the start)

I knew my cycle will clash with my trip back to Australia. I just know NOTHING will ever be smooth and easy for me and so luckily, I book a ticket that I can defer my dates. Dr Lok was going on holiday on 25th dec and so we decided to go ahead with a 3 day embryo transfer on 23rd Dec.

Mourning. Day 2

23th Sept 2013. Mon

Woke up today, listless.

All the symptoms are gone. Nausea and everything. Even the hunger pangs.

I went about cooking and preparing for dinner by reflexes.

I looked at Facebook numbly, looking at all those happy smiling photos of the baby photos my frens posted. It was like a reminder of how useless I am. I'm not even good enough to hold a baby through. I look at the rubbish food they eat, and I wonder to myself, their body is healthier than mine? Really? With that junk diet, they can have a baby and yet there's something wrong with me? Such a slap in the face.

I'm contemplating when's a good day to abort the baby.
My husband has arranged for a get away trip on weekend to celebrate our wedding anniversary, which falls on Sunday. This was of course pre arranged back then happily, thinking there will be 3 of us, and now it's only 2 and a dead baby inside.

I didnt want to take the medication before the weekend because I didnt want the horror and memory of the cramps while purging out the dead baby to be something to live with during the weekend.

I'm not spotting yet, so my body prob still in denial about the dead thing inside.

I'm thinking Monday. Next Monday will be a good day to get rid of it.
I dont want to be in pain and bloody on my wedding day. It will be too much for me or for anyone I think.

Life is so unfair.
Why do I always have to make hard choices like this.
As if having a dead thing inside me isnt enough, it has to be smacked on with a happy day like wedding anniversary. What have I done in this lifetime to deserve this? I havent been nasty to anyone. I have always been humble and helped those in need. So why does all these shit have to befall on me?

I want to rage. Yet I have no energy to rage at anyone.
It's my own fault.
My own fucking lousy eggs.
My own fucking lousy body.

I think about what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life.
I wished now I never embarked on this pregnancy shit.
It's so much easier to live a life that you never know what is missing.
A BFN is so much easier to deal with than a dead BFP.

If there is GOD, he is a fucking sadist.

As expected...the end of pregnancy at 8 weeks.

8 weeks 1 day (Sat), 21 June.

I went in for my 2nd u/s today. When the screen came to live and I didnt see any flickering light, I knew it was over. My doctor wanted to be more firm and she poked around more but from her expression, my husband and I knew it was bad news.

She explained that there are no fetal heartbeat. According to normal progression, there should be a heartbeat but she couldnt detect one. The sac was still growing at 3cm + now but she is positive that it's not a viable pregnancy though she was agreeable to having one more u/s next Thursday just to confirm (I am pretty sure this is more for my sake to accept the facts than for her).

I didnt go hysterical nor did I cry.
I was in an emotional void.
Detachment.
I didnt post myfirst u/s last time because I felt I was gonna jinx it.
It is still jinxed afterall.

I wasnt in denial. I was actually expecting it.
As I had posted in earlier blog, good things never happen to me when I really wanted something.
Which is why I had been cautious in my expectations all these time and the fact that I wasnt suffering from morning sickness, nor any other symptoms was already an early indication of things to come. We presume it was the medication that was stopping the bleeding and natural miscarrying.

So my baby died.

The next thing is to get rid of it.

I was given 2 options, via medication or D&C but she recommended medication. Basically u insert the pill vaginally and let the contractions begin. She mentioned 60% complete the miscarrying this way successfully and 40% will require D&C later to remove those bits that wasnt flushed out. At that point I still wasnt sure which I wanted. D&C comes with scarring and risk of infection but via medication involves cramping and pain. So we said we will think about it since my man left the decision to me.

We went off for a quiet lunch.
Honestly, it was abit hard looking at other pregnant ladies and wondering why the fuck am I so fucking unlucky. We hear about all those unwanted babies, lousy parents and here we are one those mentally prepared to be good parents with the means and yet we are deprived of one.

I dont know why I said sorry to my husband but it just felt like acknowledgment of his disappointment too. It wasnt that I thought it was my fault, I know it isnt but I know he was disappointed too and I didnt know how else to validate that feeling. He hugged me and told me it's ok and he was more worried about me but I told him I was fine. I wasnt lying, I was emotionally stale.

I went home to read about process and experience about miscarrying via medication.
I have about enough horror stories to last my time and mentally more prepared now.

The only issue is that next weekend is our wedding anniversary and I didnt know if I should perform the miscarrying before or after the weekend. I guess after will be better since I wont be feeling halfdead, visualising the passing of the blood clots to mark my anniversary forever for the rest of my life.

He will be on a business trip in 2 weeks time and I guess I have that window to do the necessary since I have read that it is crucial to have someone with me while I miscarry. Always good to be prepared. I need a "fetcher" and food provider I suppose more than anything.

That's my update.
I dont know when I will start grieving.
I havent told any friends about it so I guess I am spared the agony of verbally saying I have lost my baby.

This is my 2nd miscarriage.
God willing, I honestly hope there wont be a 3rd.

Coming to end of 6 weeks. One more week till the next scan

12 Aug 2013 (Thurs)

I should be 6 eweeks 6 days today. I am assuming my little one is still growing inside me.

Had my first scan last sat, which marks the growth as 6 weeks 1 day.
Doctor did a trans-vaginal scan to confirm 2 things. It is not an ectopic pregnancy (AMEN to that) and that there is a sac and yolk growing in the right place. Amen to that too.

Maybe i was just relieved that all is in place that I can't say I was excited or emotional looking at the scan. I think partially it still feels unreal, and also because we are not out of the woods yet so there isnt anything to get particularly excited till. There is another 6 weeks more to safety zone so I guess maybe for emotional self protection, I didnt inject too much of myself into this yet in case sometime goes wrong later.

The doctor said that the size is still a little small less than 2cm so there wont be heartbeat yet though the growth rate seemed ok. So rather than coming in at 7 weeks, we both agreed that it's better for me to come in 2 weeks later at start of 8 week. At least hopefully if all is well, there is more things to see?

Symptoms

To be honest, even though there isnt morning sickness, I have kind of lost the urge to eat. It's not that I find food repulsive, I have images of food in my head but I just dont want to crawl out of my bed to eat. I am happy to just comatose in bed and drink water.

My water intake has also taken a hit and decreased.

The only thing I didnt mind having was green apple and mango, though those Taiwan mangoes are damn hard to come by these few days. So annoying.

Lunch, because I feel so lethargic, I did the unthinkable of cooking instant noodle. I cannot help it. That;s the only thing I wanted.

I felt like there is something at the back of my throat stopping any food desire.

I had fish and chips yesterday, without the batter. Bad mistake. I thot the Dicken Pub @Hotel Excelsior HK would serve decent fish and chip but it was fishy in taste, not to mention expensive.

My body has always hated potato but because I was hunger (not not hungry at the same time) I had a few chip and I felt like shit and dead weight the whole day. It was horrid and I vow not to touch another crappy fish and chip anymore. It was a disaster.

need to figure out what is easy to cook is one thing, having to cook my partner's dinner is the tiring part.

24dp5dt....Into the start of my 6th week. This is real right?

6th August 2013 (Fri)

24 days past 5 days transfer.

Congratulations, you should be 6 weeks, 1 days, pregnant!


Time really flies and 2 weeks have passed since I received the call from Dr Ingrid to confirm my pregnancy.

Symptoms:

Luckily, I still have not experienced much symptoms except for slowing down of my appetite. I'm back to only eating 2 meals aday because that's about all I feel up to. However, the portions are still normal and not increased nor lessen. The only difference is that I tried REALLY HARD to incorporate greens into my diet at least once a day at this stage. I dont always feel like vege everyday. So now that's the biggest change for me to date.

Still not putting on weight either which I assume I am eating constant.
Good.

And because I am not exhibiting any anticipated sickness (yet), my husband seemed to forget I am pregnant half the time. The thing that really annoyed me was him asking me last night if he needs to be there for my first doctor appointment tomorrow. I felt like smacking his head and screamed at him and asked if I'm the only one having this baby.

That brings me to another point.
I'm feeling easily provoked and in a PMS mood.
I feel irritable pretty easily.
That's not a good thing since I'm not good at mood swings.

Urination in the middle of the night is still a pain in the arse.
Still peeing religiously at 1 and 4~4.30am.

It's seriously disturbing my sleep pattern.
I get incredibly thirsty in the middle of the night too and its a vicious cycle.
Pee drink pee.
And my tits are getting itchy every other day.
I read that its normal because the skin is stretched but damned, I feel like ripping my tits off!!
Also noticing more zits popping on my face. Not sure if its hormones or my reluctance to use my skin care every night now.

A little concerned over my seemingly normal bodily functions, I went to get another digital test just to see if there are any changes. Frankly I am more worried if the readings dropped but thankfully to God, the readings has changed. Cautiously Happy. Everything rides on what the doctor says tomorrow.

I pray to god all is well and this baby will be normal and delivered healthily.