19th August 2013
Went to get my progesterone level blood work tested today. Wont know the results till I dont know...I suppose if all seems fine the hospital wont call me.
Again, no symptoms.
No cramp.
No bleeding
No nausea
No sore boobs.
No nothing.
In fact, I LOST weight.
When I embarked on this journey, I was about 51kg.
During the injection, on average, I was 52.8kg, bordering on 53kg at nights.
After the Egg retrieval, I was back to 51.5kg.
After my egg embryo transfer till now, I am down to 50.5kg on average.
Interesting....
Went back getting groceries and life routine.
I try not to think about the 2WW wait which I have 6 more days to find out my IVF result.
Will it be success or failure? I am assuming everyone else in similar position will feel like they are serving jailtime. It would be fantastic if I could wait it out in a beach resort or something like the previous time I was waiting for my IUI result. Time passed by more swiftly and more things to distract me in Phuket.
Now, stuck at home. I have this incredible sense of boredom, a twinge of anticipation and a whole lot of overthinking. I sound soo pyschopath...
It's funny on embarking on this path of "parenthood wannabe" is such a toil on mental power. It's almost scary to think of all the possible ups and downs down this journey. The saddest bit, you don;t really want to tell anyone else who isnt in this journey because of various reasons. They wont understand, esp if its a big Fat disappointment.
I try to keep my mood lighthearted. No point ruining my days with things I have no control over. Easier said than done. I watched TV, read books, cook, clean to occupy myself. Yet, the mood is not something you can switch on and off.
I constantly have to remind myself "You gotto to be more level headed." Get a grip. Yet at the back of my head, I'm already toying with possible baby names in my head. My man, even though is more level headed than me accidentally let slip when he said "I wonder where we can put the crib" I had to stop him in his tracks and replied "I think u are thinking too far ahead love." To which he replied yeah...
This 2WW is when u learn to de-clutter your life and thoughts. Finding clues about yourself. Determine what will make or break you.
Ironically, the 1 hour stretches that I impose on myself is the best 1 hour everyday because I dont have to think. I dont have to think about if its a success. I dont have to think if its a success, will it be sustainable live birth. I dont have to think when will the session be if its a BFN. I dont have to think if its a miscarriage, then how soon after I can do FET and how old I will be...
That SWEET 1 hour is when I think of nothing else but deep breathing, feeling my muscles and breathing through them. As I do my mermaid stretches, my bridge, my cat pose, all I need to think about is myself, my body and my breathing.
I dont know how other people cope with their IVF journey.
I didnt know one of our common fren who had 2 beautiful daughters were conceived via IVF till like now, which is 5 years later. All I rem was she telling me it was a difficult journey.
I guess IVF is a very personal journey. You are cautious who you tell it too and that's the beauty of a blog. You can hide behind the veil and be utterly honest and indulge in self whinning.
I dont like to talk about mine in person with anyone. Prob not for the longest time. I dont even like to talk much about it with my partner. I didnt even want him to go with me on those hospital days updates, check ups, injections etc. I just find that I can handle it better facing it alone than having to bear the weight of someone else's expectation and emotion.
I'm crazy.
It must be the hormones talking.
No comments:
Post a Comment